Mommy Travel Blog???

     Last night the topic of travel blogging came up, apparently it's the hottest thing in blogging at the moment. Of course the first thing that came to mind, was cha-ching! I can make millions writing a travel blog based on traveling with children and uncooperative husbands! The second thought, of course, was, who's going to want to read about how much I hate traveling with children and uncooperative husbands?

     But seriously, what's the point of a having a family vacation without a bunch of arguments, lousy choice of hotels (that seemed like such a bargain on-line), and sleep deprived children? Here are things I remember from traveling with my family as a child:

• The crowd in front of the Mona Lisa was REALLY big.
• The food at the Louvre cafeteria was awesome!
• My mom bought a bunch of crap from street hawkers all over Paris (which we still have) - the fake ivory vase with carved naked women that she bought from some African dude on the street still freaks me out.
• There is a lot of dog poop in Paris, and my mother was constantly yelling at us not to step in it.
• There is a restaurant somewhere in the mid-west that advertised Chinese-American Cuisine, where the food was just nasty.
• The pizza place where my mom complained that there weren't enough pepperoni's on our pizza and the waitress who answered back with "Pepperoni is expensive!"
• The juke box, also somewhere in the Midwest, that had a note saying "Don't Work" on it instead of "Out of Order." As a seven year old, to see this sort of honesty and non-conformity was just so liberating!
• Driving to San Francisco (from Maryland) and NOT driving over the Golden Gate Bridge, because my dad said, "when you travel someplace, you shouldn't see everything there is to see, save something to for next time!" I finally did make it back to San Francisco over 20 years later, and I made a point of driving across that bridge. Unfortunately we got lost and drove across it about 5 times, and probably paid a toll each way.
• Going to Paris and NOT going up the Eiffel Tower because my mom thought it was too expensive. Also, waking up early and driving four hours to Kings Dominion and NOT going in because it was too expensive. Although I must say that riding the Rebel Yell backwards has got to be the best roller coaster rides EVER!
• My disappointment at finding out that Piccadilly Circus isn't a circus. And what was up with all that neon clothing in 1980's London?

So here are my tips when traveling with small children:

• If you only pack 2 diapers for a one hour flight, your kid will have explosive diarrhea at least three times before touchdown.
• If you pack 10 diapers and a couple of change of clothes for both yourself and your child(ren), you won't need any of it and you"ll be carrying all of your tired children and some very heavy carry-ons off the flight.
• 99% of the time, your kids will not fall asleep at take off.
• 99% of the time, your kids will all fall asleep during landing after torturing you the entire flight.
• If you have a book and your kid has a drink, the two will become close friends.
• If you have a child who has just learned how to walk, wear running shoes. You'll be chasing them up and down the aisle the entire flight. And yes, they can wriggle out of those seat belts, crawl under your feet and be down at the other end of the plane before the flight attendant can say "Chicken or Pasta."
• When picking a travel destination, I suggest going to visit any close friend or relative who will take care of your children, cook for you, and has a comfortable, sound and light proof bedroom for you to sleep in ALONE. 

My Cast of Characters

For those of you who don't know us or haven't seen us in a while, I thought I'd (re)introduce you to the 'personalities' I've been dealing with for the past 11 years.

Sweet Papa - my "better" half. Given his name by my then 2 year old son who said he loved his papa because "he's so sweet!" I would have slapped him when he said it, but I was driving and he was securely fastened in his car seat at the time. After 11 1/2 years of marriage, I'm still wondering, "What was I thinking?" Don't worry he's not going to read this because it's not a technical manual or a photoshop tutorial on how to alter your wife's face (see below).

Bugsy - my oldest child, and my only son. Takes after his dad in so many ways, I have dedicated my life to stopping the cycle of imbecilic male behavior. Unfortunately, I have been completely unsuccessful up until this point. The only thing I have so far succeeded in is being the "meany mommy," and the one to run to in times of crisis, or hunger.

Fifi - given the name by big brother Bugsy while still in the womb, is anything but an obedient Poodle as the name would suggest. Is the one person in the family who is up for anything at any time, and is generally the least whiniest of the three. When I grow up, I want to be more like her.

Kiki - given her name by big brother, because well, Kiki rhymes with Fifi. I could also call her the Instigator, although she'll be the first to point out when someone else has gotten into trouble, that she (and I quote) "hasn't done anything wrong, right, Mama?"

And then there's me, the Fascist Dictator, who hates television, high fructose corn syrup, any palm sized piece of technology, fast foods, toy stores, 1980's German techno music (especially when blasted at bed time on a speaker system that involves a sub woofer), and stagnant children who sit on the couch staring at an unplugged tv screen wondering what to do on a warm, sunny day. But seriously, who has time to photoshop when all around you are wreaking havoc and calamity?

Porn on My Dining Table!

     Well, MIL is still here. Two weeks turned into four (with two weeks in the hospital) and now we're in the middle of our sixth week. About halfway through week five she decided it was time to go home, of course during my busiest weekend of the year, so I just said no! you're staying another week. Shot myself in the leg with that one, but I figured I could put up with another few days for a free babysitter.

     So after a few discussions with Sweet Papa as to who gets to drive her home and who has to stay at home with the kiddos without a car in sub zero temperature, 40 minutes walking from the nearest subway station (unless you need to stop and pee 3 times), we decided I'd drive her home with the kids since it was their vacation and we had nothing better to do anyway. Of course nothing turns out as planned in my household. We got a call from the clinic, Oma needs to go back into the hospital for another procedure.

     That solves that problem of who has to do the 3-hour drive, listening to complaints about the rest of the family. But that also means Oma is here for EVEN longer. I really don't mind her, really. She's actually helpful around the house, and I'm sure Sweet Papa is happy that someone in the house is listening to his work problems and putting up with all his crap. But she's got all these weird, non-Grandma like habits.

     Every morning, she needs to read her newspaper. It's not really a newspaper, in that I don't think that there is any actual news in there, unless it's completely sensationalized. It's like the German version of the National Enquirer with out the alien stories. And it's pornographic! On the front page of every weekday issue there is a picture of some topless woman posing in some kind of erotic pose along with some interesting tidbits about this woman's life. Her age, her hopes and dreams, and her profession (usually something like cashier, secretary, student, or mom (eeewwww!)). I grew up in a household where it wasn't clear if you were to actually bathed naked or not.

     She doesn't seem to even notice the porn though. There was an article on the page right above it that she was trying to point out to me and I couldn't help but instinctively shield my eyes from it! She's always leaving the paper on my dining table, always opened up to the nudity. It apparently never occurs to her that we have a prepubescent child in the house, and well besides that, who wants a picture of a stranger's bare ass on their dining table???!!!!!

     But wait, it gets worse. She even watches porn on tv! Well, soft porn. Well, R-rated soap opera style shows in the living room with my then 3 and 5 year olds watching! I supposed Europe is supposed to be a little more progressive than the US in certain things, but watching porn with Grandma is not my idea of a wholesome family activity!